ah.  a new layout for a new phase.  long time, no see, blog!  long time indeed.

i’ve changed this layout, my laptop wallpaper and cleaned it up… there were so many icons on my desktop, icons had to take a seat on top of each other.  if i were more productive, i’d clean up my  actual desktop–it’s kind of a wreck.  OH WELL.

so, how be thee, interwebs?  i hope you fair well.

some details about this semester:

• i’m in the modern foreign language community:  in the dorm that seems to harbor all… most…? of the residential communities on campus.  we’re a bunch of odd-balls, but i’m quite enjoying every bit of it.  it’s weird getting used to living with boys again, but it’s kind of nice as well.
• my room is bitchin’:  that’s right.  i said it.  it’s fly beyond all measure.  we’ve got posters and pictures and plants and a well-stocked pantry, and feng shui like yo’ mama never seen before.  and meredith and i make a splendid, if not… interesting match-up.  it’s niiiice.
• candywife has me hooked on korean boy bands:  i…. no.  i can’t really say anything to that.
• i cook ALL THE TIME:  i’m really not sure how to use my mealplan.  really… ever.  trying to learn/improve on cooking skills means i need to practice, so when i’m not too busy, i like to cook.  BESIDES.  becca and emily and i have dinner on thursdays and every six weeks it’s my week to cook, unless i’m making dessert.  and and and mfl does dinners on friday and you know i can’t refuse an open invitation to cook…. or at least help out!  um.  and we got a WEGMANS over the summer.  try and stop me…. if you do i won’t be able to feed you.
• my thesis is gonna be on doughnuts!:  mmmm.  yea.  most likely.  i need to start researching, but gable tossed me around a bit (as he’s wont to do) but i’m better now.  yes.  the symbolism of doughnuts, hopefully the proof that doughnuts are a total social phenomenon.  … that’s the goal.  yea.
• symbols (aka divination) is not as scary as i thought:  i’m really quite enjoying this class!  huzzah!  it’s a good size, the reading’s slightly hefty, but i’m learning how to get through things…. i guess i’ve acquired skills..?  so i’ve been told.
• ohoh i’m taking chinese!: yes.  it’s going well.  it’s also pass/fail.  i like it a whole lot
• i resolved some issues this week:  ehm, mostly.  no 1: christianity vs. anthropology round 96.  once again.  so structuralism basically says that everything we do is cultural.  it has a place in the structure our society creates.  not only that, but those actions that are so quotidian are symbolically relevant in a larger web of symbols that are generally culturally specific.  this kind of throws a wrench in putting faith in what you believe.  so i’ve decided to give belief a break and take more stock in faith.  i don’t want to have faith in the beliefs of a religion, i want to have faith in the ever-loving God.  which leads me to no. 2: ministry vs. secular.  i’ve decided to take a year or two off in between now and grad school (God-willing), but i want to be productive to look fancy on applications for when i grow up (maybe).  the two groups i’m focused on doing are us-2 (methodist, national peace corps), hopefully on a reservation and peace corps.  here’s my beef with “foreign” ministry–”religion” as we know it is bound into that vast web of symbols.  who am i to tell you that God has chosen my system of meaning as the “true” one while at the same time taking stock in the fact that He not only created you, but your culture as well.  however, i was in the shower this morning and had an epiphany.  anthropology is just as fallible as organized christianity in the structural sense–it’s just as culturally constructed as anything else i do.  in the same breath, the peace corps missionizes american-ness like christians missionize christianity.  yes. so really if i’m going to apply structuralism to one thing, it must be to all things because that’s how it works–all or nothing.  holism’s a bitch and God is good.  anyway.  i’m feeling a bit better about peace corps than us-2, but we’ll see how things work out.

that was a lot more long-winded than i’d planned, but definitely as concise as i want it.  pretty much.  that’s what i’ve resolved.  yes.

this weekend’s family weekend and i don’t think i’ll even see mine.  it’s birthday weekend too.  mom’s birthday was today and tomorrow my brother turns 18.  they’re all stressing and pushing to get his eagle scout project polished off… it’s gonna be close!  matt also has a big marching band competition tomorrow.  and i have to work all day on sunday because i’m doing a routine saturday.  dumb family weekend…

anyway.  tomorrow i’ll go running (it’s this new thing i’m doing) and get some work done, perform, go to church, and hopefully be productive.  here’s hoping that works out!

peace.

hahahaaaaaaa.  in any culinary failure i always have cake to fall back on.  it’s pretty hard to mess up.  in any case, today is my father’s birthday and tomorrow’s father’s day, so i made him a boston cream pie–his fave.  it’s kind of a combination of two different recipes ’cause i liked the sponge better in one and the ganache and cream in the other.  it’s good times.

i made the cream first. it’s got to rest in the fridge for an hour so i figured it can have it’s chill time while i made the sponge.  i might’ve cooked the custard a bit too long, but it turned out fine.  into the chill chest and on to the sponge!  it’s kind of a torte-like sponge in the way you make meringue to fold into it.  it turned out lovely–toasty brown on the top and light and soft in the insides.  i have this spring-form-like pan with fluted edges and i was so afraid it wouldn’t come out, but it did, which was lovely.  with the ganache made and whipped cream folded into the custard, i just had to wait for the cake to cool to assemble.

i’m pleased to say it went swimmingly!  slice the cake in half with a bread knife (and i made sure to make a knotch so i knew where to place it because i am not good at cutting an even cake!), dump the cream on and spread it to the edges, place on the top (which is really the bottom), and pour on all that lovely ganache (after putting some parchment under the cake to catch the extra… then when it sets, you just pull the paper out and you have a clean cake).  it just falls over the sides, shove in the fridge and voila!  boston cream pie!

i’ll let you know how it tastes.  UPDATE:  it’s yummy.  although i’m thinking slicing it into three parts and doubling the amount of custard would be a worthwhile endeavor.

so in other news, i turned 21 this week!  exciting, i know.  we went out to dinner at claibourne’s, which is possibly the nicest restaurant in fredericksburg, the kind where you dress up nicely and cozy up around soft lighting.  it was really great.  and when i got home–presents!  i got an ice cream maker!!! oh, yes.  i’m excited.  i just need to wipe it down and put the bowl in the freezer and i’ma make me some ice cream.  mom also got me a couple of magazines that i’ve been enjoying–fine gardening and mother earth news (quiet, you!).  learning, learning, learning.  it’s good times.

in about a month, katherine and i are having a shindig with all kinds of food–she’s putting out her awesome spread and i’m making some dressed up sandwiches (more on that later)–and drinks, etc.  it’s gonna be good.

well.  more on stuff later.

boston cream pie

the cream

• 1 1/4 cups milk
• 3 large egg yolks
• 1/4 cup sugar
• 2 tablespoons cornstarch
• Pinch fine salt
• 1 tablespoon unsalted butter
• 1 1/2 teaspoons vanilla extract
• 1/2 cup heavy cream, chilled

1. heat the milk in a saucepan on medium until in starts getting bubbles around the edges.  remove from heat.  whisk the egg yolks, sugar, cornstarch, and salt.  slowly whisk in the heated milk then transfer the custard to the saucepan and set it on medium heat, whisking constantly until it thickens up to a thin pudding consistency.  remove from heat and stir in the butter and vanilla.
2. transfer to a bowl and cover with plastic wrap.  no, really.  the wrap needs to be on the surface of the custard so it doesn’t form a skin.  let it chill out for an hour (basically while you make the cake).
3. after everything’s all made, whip the heavy cream until it forms soft peaks.  take out the custard and give it a whisk to loosen it.  fold in the cream, replace the plastic, and let it hang out in the fridge until you’re ready for assembling THE CAKE.

the sponge

• 1 cup plus 2 tablespoons sifted cake flour
• 2/3 cup sugar
• 1 1/2 teaspoons baking powder
• 1/4 teaspoon salt
• 1/2 cup milk, room temperature
• 1/4 cup cooking oil
• 2 egg yolks, room temperature
• 1 teaspoon vanilla
• 2 egg whites, absolutely room temperature
• 1/4 teaspoon cream of tartar
• Pastry cream, recipe follows
• Ganache, recipe follows

1. preheat the oven to 350.  ok, so, a bowl, a hand mixer, and a stand mixer walk into a bar…  haha.  not really, but you need them.  and really, you do need cake flour.  you can get by with all-purpose, but it really doesn’t do the lightness of the cake justice.  i mean, if you’re gonna make a cake, do it right–cake flour’s the way to go.  sift the flour, sugar, baking powder, and salt together and make a wee well.  now, when baking, everything gets better when it’s room temperature.  it just does so do it.  so, all the wet can get measured and mixed in the measuring cup, really, it’s ok.  that means the milk, oil, vanilla, and egg yolks, only please (it’s easy, really.  tap the egg on a flat surface and gently break the egg in half.  move the yolk from one half to the other a couple of times over the stand mixer bowl, letting the whites fall into it.  then plop the yolks into the measuring cup). just whisk that up and add it to the well in the dry ingredients on low with a hand mixer.  once it’s combined, turn up the mixer to high and beat the hell out of it for about three minutes.
2. ok, ok.  now you make meringue.  “say whaaaaaat??”  oh, yes.  oh, don’t worry, it’s not like it’s hard.  here’s the real thing though.  in order for this to succeed, the egg whites must be at room temperature.  this doesn’t work at all otherwise.  so, you have these egg whites in the stand mixer bowl and you add the cream of tartar (it stabalizes the meringue.  think of this like whipped cream, except instead of heavy cream, you use egg whites).  then lock up the stand mixer, turn it on high, and beat the hell out of those egg whites.  they’ll get all foamy, then they get bigger and white and when they get glossy and smooth and form soft peaks, they’re ready.
3. pour the egg yolk batter over the meringue and gently fold to combine so not to deflate all your hard work on that meringue.  pour it into a greased 9 inch round cake pan and pop it in the oven for 25-30 minutes.  when it’s done, it’ll be lightly brown and the top will spring back when touched.  let it rest on a wire rack for twenty minutes or so, then gently run a butter knife around the rim and turn the cake out onto the rack to let it continue cooling.

the ganache

• 4 ounces (about 1/2 cup) bittersweet chocolate, finely chopped
• 1 1/2 teaspoons light corn syrup
• 1/2 cup heavy cream

1. measure out the chocolate and corn syrup and put in a heat proof bowl.  heat up the heavy cream until it bubbles and pour over the chips and syrup combo.  stir until it’s all melted and smooth and let it cool.

the assemblage

1. slice the cake.  ok, really it’s not that bad.  you can do this.  the more you do it, the easier and better you get at it.  just go slowly and remember… it’s all getting covered in chocolate, so no one’ll know.  first, so you don’t get crumbs in everything, take a basting brush or a clean, never before used paint brush, and brush around the cake to get all the crumbs off (don’t be afraid to get a little rough with it, it can take it despite it’s soft image).  take a bread knife (onea them serrated ones) and cut a little triangle out of the cake so you know where to place it when everything gets put back.  now, the literal bottom of the cake (y’know when it was in the pan) will be the top.  you want the top to be a bit thinner than the bottom so it can handle the thick cream.  now.  take your knife, bend your knees, take a deep breath, and slowly cut the cake in half horizontally.  you did it?  yea?  yea!  awesome.  it’s not perfect?  well, that’s ok, it’s gonna be eaten, so the evidence doesn’t last long.
2. so, take two pieces of wax paper and put them on the plate you’re using (this makes things all clean later with the ganache), put your cake bottom down on it, and dump that custard on!  now, you might not use all of it, which isn’t bad (think of it like a reward for all your hard work up until now).  spread it out to the edge of the cake and place the top on.
3. pour on all of the ganache in all it’s chocolatey beauty.  take a flat off-set spatula and smooth out the ganache, pushing it over the edges so it falls down around the sides of the cake letting the extra be caught by the parchment, but not too much–you want some on the top!
4. pop that baby in the fridge for twenty minutes and slowly pull the parchment away for a clean cake.
5. keep in the fridge until you’re ready to gobble it up–it’s mighty tasty!

ttfn!

HOWDY THERE INTERWEBS!!

so mom and i went to the farmer’s market and picked up some choice heads of lettuce among other things (such as a bunch of tomatoes, a bunch of asparagus, a cucumber that i might’ve eaten in one go, two quarts of strawberries, and a quart of red potatoes that are super yummy) and upon arriving home to a plastic tub full of mixed spring greens, we now have a plethora of salad material.  shoot.  i don’t really like salads.  “molly, you’re a vegetarian now.  you kinda signed up for that.”  haha.  yea, no.  i’ve done fine without them.  so. far.  salads are so blaaaand and boring.  at least that’s what i thought until i was reading around.  there are some sweet-looking salads out and about.  so i tought i’d use up some greens.

for lunch mom and i used up the rest of the asparagus left over from last night’s mostly failure of a goat cheese and asparagus frittata (sigh.  i say mostly ’cause while it was over done and didn’t flip right, it was still intact and tasted alright) in an asparagus and goat cheese salad.  i roasted up some asparagus (450 degree oven with a little olive oil, salt and pepper for 6-8 minutes) and put it on top of mixed greens with chopped strawberries, pine nuts, goat cheese, and a homemade balsamic vinegrette (1/4 c balsamic vinegar, 2 tsp sugar, pinch of salt and pepper, and 2-3 tbsp of extra virgin olive oil whisked in slowly).  i think it would taste better with some toasted walnuts, but the pine nuts were pretty tasty.  all in all i only regretted not having more asparagus.

mom brought out some salmon to thaw this morning and we still have a lot of greens!  “wait, wait, wait.  salmon?  last i heard that wasn’t no veggie.”  yea.  i know.  i guess i’m technically a pescatarian.  it’s mostly for mom.  she kind of jumped on the wagon with me but more in a “we’ll add more veggies to our diet” kind of way.  i’m all for having a friend in my carnivorous household, so i will concede with fish.  anyway, we decided to go asian–hoisin glazed salmon salad with asian dressing.  i got this hoisin glaze recipe off of an online blogger who got it from martha stewart–she’s got some smart people working for her, i’ll tell you that.  it’s so simple–1 tbsp of oj, 2 tbsp hoisin sauce, and 2 tsp of honey, generously brushed on to salt and peppered salmon filets, then put under the broiler for 8 minutes for medium-rare goodness.  these lovelies were put on top of greens with halved steamed brussel sprouts and homemade asian dressing (1 tbsp rice wine vinegar, 1/4 c sesame seed oil, 1/2 tsp tahini–peanut butter’d be a good substitute–some thinly sliced green onion, salt and pepper, and a dash of cayenne).  yummy!!

i like homemade dressings.  they’re so easy and they’re so much better for you and i think they taste better.  and the thing about dressings is, they don’t keep well, so all those bottled dressings have to have some kind of preservative in them right?  no, thanks.  dressings are too easy to make to not make them.

in other news, I FOUND POTATOES GROWING IN MY COMPOST PILE.  yea. sorting throught all of it though, it’s more of dumping ground.  i’ve got this bucket of two-week old food scraps that my mother has affectionately named ‘toxic waste.’  it’s pretty bad.  so, i’ve decided to make my little bed in the back half potato bed half compost… i’m getting some stakes and chicken wire tomorrow to separate stuff.  i also need to get some mulch to put around all of my other veggie plants (tomatoes, bell pepper, cucumber, and zucchini, along with some herbs) so they’ll keep some moisture, fight weeds, disease, that kinda thing and something to hold up my tomato plants–what i got is too big!  anyway… i hope they all live and produce etc.  it would make my life.

SUCCESSSSSS.  well.  almost.  the perogie pie’s off just a little bit taste-wise, but the texture was spot-on today. OH.  mom got me these mini-ramekins that are precious.  and very nice for testing out casserole dishes!

so, i started off this morning by making potatoes–yukon golds ’cause they are the perfect mashing potato (it’s true, look it up.  and moosewood told me, so i believe them–they know what they’re talking about).  mixed in some milk, butter, a lot of sour cream, two cloves of roasted garlic, and a dash of salt and a lot of pepper and i had some killer garlic mashed potatoes.  so, i’ve never roasted garlic before, but a quick stop at the internet boosted my courage.  i mean, it’s not like it was hard–wrap some garlic cloves in parchment paper ’cause i didn’t want an entire bulb’s worth, open it at the top and pop it in the oven!  it’s good stuff.  and i knew i needed garlic from the last time and i had to go with it roasted ’cause when it’s roasted it gets all soft and buttery, really nice for smooth potatoes.

so, i had potatoes.  then i put some cauliflower on to blanch/cook.  i realize now that i need to season the cauliflower more and probably mash it.  no matter how small i chop it, the cauliflower just stands out in the wake of smooth, creamy potaotes and gooey cheese.  then there was the bechamel, which i realize now should be the last thing that i make ’cause it doesn’t work well at room temperature.  that and i put too much butter in it.  “too much, whaaaa?  not possible.”  totally is.  “uh, no.”  no, really!  it was too thick!  i needed something the consistency of tomato sauce so i can make this thing up like a lasagna, not sausage gravy, which was what it kind of turned into.  i was just kind of b.s.ing it from the last time, so… yea.

then i made onions!  carmelizing’s not hard, right?  i threw them on to saute in some canola oil with salt, pepper, and sugar.  i thought, “hm.  i should look this up, y’know..?  just to see if i’m right…?”  yea, kinda.  butter, not oil.  lower heat so they get soft, then up the temp so they get brown.  whatev.

then came layering!  i was all on top of this.  i got out the wanton wrappers and used my ramekin as a template.  a little sauce, some gruyere i forgot to throw in the sauce, wrapper, potatoes, cauliflower, cheddar, sauce, gruyere, wrapper, potatoes, onions, cheese.  the wrappers were perfect.  i could not ask for that perfect chewy, but delicacy.  i think the potatoes need more garlic to be in with everything and i’m thinking more cheddar?  maybe in with the spuds?  i don’t know, but other than all that, i think it was pretty tasty!

————–

ok.  so.  my church with a few other churches sponsors an orphanage in sierra leone called the child rescue center and they’re hiring an intern!  a paid one!!  i know.  unheard of.  “uh… africa…?”  oh, right, no.  it’s in herndon.  at the headquarters.  “oh. right.  continue.”  aaaalright.  so, i’m writing up a resume.  it’s… hard.  i mean it’s not, but it is, ’cause you have to basically read the minds of those hiring and use strong verbs and talk a lot about yourself and eh… there’s a reason i’m not a psych major.  that was mean.  i apologize.

it’s weird applying for a christian organization because you have to beef yourself up in the mentality that that’s the last thing you should be doing.  so i have to find some balance between letting them know i’m qualified without being arrogant.  that’s my goal.  yep.  more updates on this later!

SO.  i’ve been home for about a month and a half.  and in that time i haven’t really moved from my couch much.  i mean, there was the memorial service, which was the absolute correct combination of grief and brevity, and some time spent in ohio with my extended family, my aunt hung around for awhile, and i’ve made my way down to fredericksburg a few times to catch up with some people, but other than that, my couch has seen me volumes more than anyone else.  mom comes in second.

“molly.  that’s dumb.  you can’t just be sitting on your couch all day.”  OH BUT YOU GIVE ME TOO MUCH CREDIT.  but thank you.  in between couch potatoing i’ve been baking and cooking and… might’vebecomeavegetarian.  “whut.”  yes.  “i… you are going to die.”  AM NOT.  “ARE TO.”  well.  it’s been three weeks and i’m not dead yet.  AND and i haven’t eaten a salad at all.  “you… are lying.”  i resent that for i am not!  i found this delightful vegetarian cookbook from the moosewood restaurant and it is full of fabulous.  i’ve been having fun with layering in ramekins and experimenting with tofu and i have to tell you, i’ve learned more culinary skills in the last couple of weeks than i ever did eating meat.  plus the BAKING!!!  i’ve started making bread for the fam and it has been interesting.  the first couple of loaves were duds, but then after reviewing a couple of different recipes i’ve started making some nice loaves.  now that i have all this time, i’m able to actually take control of what’s in the food the fam and i eat.  i think it’s super, but i don’t really think they care either way.

“uh huh.  but…. why?“  ’cause… i mean are you really surprised..?  i’ve been talking about how the food we eat comes with more than what the title on the plastic says.  and frankly, that… really bothers me.  “…meat…?”  i’m getting to that.  ever read silent spring?  no?  well, it’s all about how pollutants transfer from prey to predator and magnifies every time it goes up a cycle.  it’s like how all the antibiotics that get pumped into sick animals, who are sick because they don’t eat what they’re supposed to, ends up on our plates.  no thanks.  not to mention irradiation.  yuck. anyway.  i don’t think it’ll be forever.  i like meat, i don’t think there’s anything wrong with eating it as long as it hasn’t been completely mishandled when it was alive, which is a huge can o’ worms i brought up in my travel blog when everyone was getting weirded out about bones in their bowls.  but in the wake of my grandma dying and health issues popping up in my family like daisies, i’m taking a more… organic approch to my diet.  hopefully, when i’m fed up with it i can meet half-way between meat and veg.

on that note. so, the fam and i went up to pennsylvania to check out a school little brother wants to go to, which is mdub mixed with tech, gone private and set in pa.  we ate dinner in the town and i got… perogie casserole.  OH DUTCH PENNSYLVANIANS.  clever people.  it’s garlic mashed potatoes layered with sauteed onions and tons of cheddar.  super good.   so my goal now is to re-create this deliciousness.

so tonight was my first attempt!  i’ve decided to make it like a lasagna and to add some more veg (i had my leftovers with some spinach i had in the fridge–yum!), so it’s going to be a mix of perogies and cauliflower gratin in the shape of a lasagna.  yep.  so, i started out tonight, but i had this weird feeling about it.  it’s that feeling i get when i know i’m about to mess it up completely ’cause i forgot something.  i used leftover mashed potatoes from last week that had… interesting seasonings (not… a fan.  it was this pack of herbs that claimed to make “heavenly mashed potatoes.”  it does not) and added more sour cream ’cause the perogie casserole had a very strong, but appropriate sour cream taste.  i found this super cauliflower gratin recipe and used the bechamel sauce as the sauce for the base.  and there was cauliflower and lasagna noodles and potatoes and cheese and… i forgot the onions.  drat.

so here’s the rundown:  1) remember the onions.  2) needs more cheese–on this note, i’m thinking of introducing some gruyere like it has in the gratin.  i can’t say i’ve ever tasted gruyere, but now i have an excuse!  3) less sauce–sad face ’cause bechamel is tasty… espically with nutmeg!  but this leads us to… 4) the potatoes–creamier, smoother, garlic.  it needs to happen.  5) wanton wrappers instead of lasagna noodles–they were just too thick and chewy… this whole thing is supposed to be layers that aren’t there…. that’s what makes it good!

yep.  so i’ll keep you updated… ’cause food is really all i’m doing right now.  so this blog’ll be mostly a food blog for now.  yea buddy!

(note: this was written on friday)

it snowed here.  when i got up this morning there were big fat flakes with some smaller flakes inter-mixed.  it’s all but melted by now.  i think it’s just as well.

my grandma finally died this morning–she passed, she’s gone, she’s left the building, bought the farm, gone to greener pastures, checked out, whatever makes it easier to swallow.  we had convinced my grandma’s best friend, anne, to spend the night and we were having a cuppa and some bagels before she left.  they had shifted my grandma and come downstairs, where we were all doing copies of the puzzles in this morning’s paper–a grandma ritual.  i knew she wouldn’t go while we were in the room–she’s way too accommodating to let us see her die.  my aunt went to check on her and came down, took my mother’s shoulders and carefully said, “she’s gone.”

it’s poetic, really, and most definitely perfect timing.  this all started when she collapsed on ash wednesday.  today is friday the 13th, exactly five months before her 77th birthday and a day after my cousin’s birthday.  and she’ll be cremated on st. paddy’s day.  our hospice nurse’s name is jean, my grandma’s name, moore, anne’s last name.  it was such a peaceful day–early-morning quiet, cold, with tea and puzzles–such a beautiful morning to leave.

she looks so peaceful right now, like a fresh wax figure, still soft and smoothly carved, gentle and quiet like watching fresh snow falling.  i’ve been wondering all week how i would feel the moment after i found out.  i really focused on it.  it wasn’t any different besides the tightness constricting my stomach.  i was quiet; i didn’t cry, but i think if i’d spoken i would have.  we were all calm except for anne, who was emoting enough for the rest of us.  my father’s eyes were blurry.  we called people (i texted, i don’t think i could stand to actually talk to people).  i sighed and relief finally swept over me–it’s over, there’s closure, finally.

———————–

the morticians were so somber.  i mean, i know that adjective and that noun are supposed to go hand-in-hand, but geez.  they were very careful packing her up, though.  i do appreciate that.  and they wore suits with overcoats.  i appreciate that, too.  grandma would’ve liked that.  …i guess i get to say that now, huh?  the dog never barked while they were here, either.

watching them take her out the door pretty much did it in for me.  i melted into a puddle of tears in my parents’ bedroom while i listened to them and my aunt talk about the complete ridiculousness that is morticians.

“the red lights mean you’re leaving
the white ones mean returning
tell me how this story ends
and i’ll keep them fires burning

the headlights look like diamonds
the taillights burn like coals
tell me how this story ends
before the fires go cold

the countryside’s deserted
there’s no one on the farms
the suburbs all are sleeping
the earthquakes set off car alarms

all after all now we aware
all after all the time we share
there’s so much fears of world,
hopes of world, tears of world”

——————-

she’s gone.

she’s still alive.

i know.

she’s lost any function she might have ever had.  except breathing.  and you can’t even blame the pace-maker for that.  yes, it’s there.  yes, it’s possibly keeping her alive, but really?  it just pumps blood through her system–it’s not making her lungs work.

today has been spent changing her bed dressings and spraying the room with her perfume to cover any lingering smell (my thinking–chanel at the memorial service.  nothing triggers memory like olfactory, right?).  it’s been spent tying up loose ends–on study abroad, on car titles (we’re not the proud owners of a buick), on grocery shopping (our butter stores are now restocked, thank God).  it’s been spent on prayers.  it’s been spent on snapping at each other because we’re so tired and anxious and so inbetween grief and closure it’s nauseating.  it’s been spent apologizing…and forgiving.  it’s been spent baking.  it’s been spent saying goodbye.

i think today’s been the hardest because yesterday the hospice nurse told us 12 hours max.  and then grandma made it through today.  there was closure yesterday; there was finality.  we were joking today (you have to understand.  my family does not get through anything without humor.  it’s our security blanket) that because all this started on ash wednesday, she’s just holding out for good friday.  haha, ohGodpleaseno.  we’re starting to get anxious in our own humor and that’s a bad sign–we’re starting to crack.

my little brother still hasn’t been upstairs since she got here.  i just hope he doesn’t regret it.

i attempted my hand at macarons (aka parisian macaroons) today.  the last two days had been spent on a triangle cake from scratch (sheet cake, french buttercream, and chocolate ganache) and a loaf of beer bread not from scatch (i want to do so at some point, however).  macarons are tricky buggers, but i wanted to try them ’cause everyone’s doing macarons on the food blogs and i had egg whites that needed usin’!  i think i’ll have a better hand on them next time i try, which might not be for awhile–i think i want something less technical after two days of intense baking.  that and we started running out of ap flour, so yea.  tomorrow i think it’ll be two loaves of punkin bread, one with chocolate chips and one sans.  i owe the gambrinos (fam with close ties who live down the street) a loaf after my dad took a chunk out of what was supposed to be their christmas punkin loaf, so there ya go.

and that’s just it.  life keeps happening no matter what crisis is going on.  people still need to get fed, phones need to be answered, school gets attended, laughter happens, dogs need feeding, breathing (should) happen, the sun rises and the sun sets, and people (even us) get on with their lives.  it’s like we’re tied to one of those kid leashes and time’s just tugging us along.  we kind of pull at it so we can linger and stare at the weird/awesome/horrible thing we just saw but it keeps on moving and we have to go with it.

i say that and then tell people stuff like, “i never thought i’d have anything to be justifiably miserable about.  every time i think about it, i think, ‘oh, this is just you being a cynic complaining’ and then i realize that, no, it really is that bad.”  the truth is, it’s both, i think.  this is bad–i wouldn’t wish my grandma’s lingering on anyone–but, like i said, life keeps moving.  people have to go home and take care of life while dealing with this great big absence of a person.  i don’t know whether to be interested or disgusted by my interest.

i am starting to get to that point where i just don’t want to think/talk/see any of this anymore.  i don’t want my grandma to die, but i realize that we lost her four days ago.  there’s no response, no conversation, no hugs, just this shell of a person who needs to be turned every couple hours and given more morphine.  it’s exhausting.  but i still can’t imagine what that moment will feel like.  i’m usually pretty good at anticipating my reactions, but i really have no clue what will happen when she dies.

thanks, though, everyone for all your kind words.  it’s nice to know people who ooze kindness.

(this saga is continued from over here)

my aunts karen (ireland) and nancy (brother from another mother) got in and went to the hospital. i cleaned and did a never-ending cycle of laundry.

grandma came home the next day.  hospice delivered the bed and she arrived in an ambulance.  we’ve probably seen about four different people from hospice over the last few days and they’ve all told us she’s nearing the end.  it could be today, it could be a week tops.   they told us that the pace-maker is really all that’s keeping her going–the doctors actually had an “is this ethical” conversation amongst themselves before they put it in.   i’m glad they did and i’m not.  it’s good to say goodbye, but it’s also becoming a long, anxious process.  i hold my breath every time she breathes, waiting those 25 seconds for her to inhale. watch, i’ll die from asphyxiation before she does.

my aunt kathy got in yesterday afternoon.  grandma had quite a rough day yesterday, but she was cognizant enough to give her a hug.  she was so unclear after that, when she wasn’t sleeping.  i sat with her while her children discussed her will downstairs.  she didn’t even know i was there, save for when i let out a small sob and she looked at me, “what’s wrong, hon?”  “oh, nothing, there’s just a bit of dust… in my eye.”  gone again.  that night in between games of cards, more church food, and james bond scene it, we watched her stare off, jaundiced eyes large, trembling slightly.

mom gently shook me awake this morning.  “come upstairs, your grandma’s eating breakfast with us.”  “hnn..?”  “she asked for a cuppa and some eggs.  come upstairs.”  i foggily got up and mom poured me a cup of tea.  i went to the bathroom, but by the time i got up to her room, the morphine was taking its hold again–she was falling asleep.  my uncle left yesterday after the will discussion and my brother refuses to go any where near the second floor, so it was all the girls crowded around our sleeping matriarch.  it got interesting and emotional and i got to rattle on about anthro.  mom said she was proud of me later for sticking up for myself.

i feel a lot more empathetic, at least towards other societies.  it has to do with being abroad, but it’s also my grandma.  whenever we read about how ritual works in other socieites, it’s a very step-by-step-this-happens-after-this-then-this.  but it doesn’t work that way in reality.  it’s not a conscious movement to do certain things, and even then those steps aren’t always done.  take for instance how my grandma’s dying.  keeping her alive in an isolated room upstairs so she can take days to rasp out her last breaths?  that’s saying goodbye here, that’s closure, but elsewhere that’s torture.  but we don’t think about that–that’s just what makes sense to us on the fly.  and that’s how other see their own practices–what we’re critical of just makes sense when it happens, without thinking about it, what feels right.

i bought some neil gaiman tonight.  matt and i went out to borders and ice cream with some of my friends who are home on spring break (how convenient, yea?).  i finally got my good omens and a copy of coraline.  i hope they’re as good as i’ve painted them.  matt gave me a little insight into his life, which was nice.  i worry about him.  the house was full of grandma’s heavy breathing when we got back.  matt closed off and went downstairs.  i watched american dreamer with the aunts, then stayed up to read one of my new books.  my grandma’s breathing drifted down the stairs like fog personified.

so screwed